A preface to beginning the text
From the onset of class I had hoped to establish two things. First, I hoped to build rapport with the students, to earn their trust and charge them with excitement for the book and for our journey together. Second, I wanted to take the temperature of sorts about what the collective understanding was about general human needs. As attachment theory is based around needing other people, I grouped the students into pairs to work together to come up with the answer to two questions. I asked each group for a top five list.
Question #1: What do humans need?
Question #2: What causes suffering?
I should also mention that as this psychology credit (being offered by the tenants of attachment theory and emotionally facilitated introspection, by way of a parenting book) was unorthodox. That is to say, that the school administration has specific course learning outcomes for the subject matter of a psychology credit, that were not facilitated by the text. In general, as it was in this school and even my graduate program, fundamental psychology courses often teach classical concepts: Freud; Behaviorism; Cognitive approaches; Basics about memory and how the brain works.
My goal was to check the boxes as possible consistent with the course learning outcomes of the school administration, but also to remain congruent to the text and to whatever facilitated experiential learning of the students. I also wanted to have fun.
Anyhow, the students answered my questions in groups and actually listed many human needs that can be found on Maselow's Heirarchy of Needs (a classic psychological concept seen below).
What struck me though, is that no matter how many groups named things like food, water, shelter, etc., almost every group reported that social needs of some kind would go in their top five. This was a perfect segue to my proposition that humans need other humans, and specifically humans need safety and security within relationships with others (seen below).
"Humans absolutely have social needs", they said. The students already proved they knew more than I had expected.
I took from one of the founders of attachment. Sir John Bowlby said, "The first and foremost instinct of humans is neither sex nor aggression, it is to seek contact and comforting connection... from cradle to grave".
To expand on this notion, I introduced the students to a video known as the Still Face Experiments. In it a young baby is video taped with and without the physical and emotional presence of it's mother.
This is a sensitive video, and hard for some to watch, but you can see how even at a young age we are hard-wired to need our caregivers. What I suggested to the students is that the same concepts of physical and emotional presence can apply to interactions with those we need throughout development, and the Still-Face of being inaccessible and unresponsive can have detrimental effects on our well-being- particularly if it is in a pervasive pattern with those we need most.
To build rapport and interest in the students I donned the role at times of a salesperson. I told the students that throughout the course and our time together, I may make suggestions or pose ideas that might seem foreign (such as attachment theory, although supported by loads of research, is not commonly taught in psychology classes, at least that I'm aware of). The students get to decide whether they want to purchase my suggestions or not. No pressure. Much like the television show Shark Tank, I pitch an idea, and the students get to decide if they want to invest in my product.
I am now officially a sales person to the class that is trying to pitch the concept that we are not alone, and we need other people as Bowlby put it, 'From cradle to grave'. I wanted to illustrate how this interaction between the mother and the baby exists throughout our development and in our closest relationships, but in an understandable visual. So, I made memes.
It starts with a bid for attention.
We look for connection, and get a response (or, as in this case, we don't).
When given no response, we look harder (just like the Still Face video... did I just miss something?)
We then vacillate through different emotions when we continue to not get the connection we need.
Disappointment.
Our emotional vacillations are internalized or externalized, or both.
If the still face continues, if our bids continue to go without response, it gets worse, and our emotional response gets deeper, bigger. We're talking about legitimate human needs here.
What is the narrative we are telling ourselves at this point? As an adult? As an infant or toddler?
Our inherent need for comforting connection boils over.
The body can only take so much.
But even if we've never experienced or been shown how to be responsive to someone, we can always be responsive (even though it can be uncomfortable). The connection we need is available, hopefully, and it can start like this. The person needed for this connection can have a miniature epiphany (such as, what is this person trying to tell me... what do they need?)
What happens when we offer a comforting connection? Even if it feels uncomfortable to us?
If we aren't used to being offered some kind of comforting connection, it can feel awkward.
But if we receive what we really need, at least some of the time, we can get our cups filled at least enough. We can know with certainty we are not alone.
And this experience is experiencing being experienced. It is feeling felt. Kent Hoffman calls this resonance (so do I now).
Resonance. This is a Hollywood ending in meme form. But when we get there with those we need most it feels magical.
The poet Rumi said (as quoted in Raising a Secure Child): " You think because you understand one, you will also comprehend two. Because one and one make two. But to truly understand two you must first comprehend “and”.
This resonance is our need for connection. Our "and".
Our discussion (which the students all appeared to resonate with), was facilitated by students who spoke to personal experiences of connection, or the lack of it. Not too many students spoke up initially; my guess was because they didn't know me from Adam and hadn't really been in the habit of talking about these kinds of things before. I knew I was going to have to work to create a safe space for these kinds of discussions. One important note- if you create and name a safe place, where the classroom becomes a sanctuary for emotions, experiences, memories, etc., the students will open up, as these did.
Our discussion also touched briefly on solitary confinement (essentially withheld human interaction, an example of the diametrically opposed opposite of 'and'), and we discussed how it can be psychologically detrimental. Solitary confinement is about the polar opposite of connection with others. More proof that connection and social needs are vital.
I ended with a quote by Leonard Cohen (one of my favorite verses): There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in". I chose this because I wanted the students to know it was my job to show them the cracks, and the light that is there regardless of whether they know it or not (this is the product I would be trying to sell them). And, my hope is that over the course of this book that they see available comforting connection and light in the cracks of themselves and each other.
Intended Takeaways: We are not alone; We need other people for connection from birth; Our need for connection begins very early if you subscribe to attachment theory; Memes are fun
Course Student feedback:
-"Stay with it until the end because it is amazing what you will learn about yourself, your family, and your future"
-"You really need to place joy in your kid instead of what they are doing"
-"[Class discussions] were very valuable to me because they gave me hope and found meaning and purpose, and I no longer feel alone. It helped Sooooooo much"
-"Something that surprised me about parenting is that most parents don't realize some of the things they say when they say it. Most don't know about their Shark Music to help us understand our Shark Music."
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