Security - Befriending Imperfection
I began this lecture with a video of an old psychological experiment I believe was mentioned by the book. This is simply a reminder of the hard-wired nature of our attachment needs and our needs for others. In the video, young monkeys are given the choice between an soft, comforting mother monkey decoy with no food, and a hard, rigid mother monkey decoy with food. It also illustrates how attachment to our caregivers can cause different reactions when we are threatened. Where do we go for safety and security?
I quoted the book- No one does well without 'and'.
Also-
"Every heart is still seeking the love it was born to know"
I asked the students for their experiences to the video, and asked them to compare what they saw in the monkeys that paralleled what we had learned so far. The students appeared overall surprised that animals share the same hard-wiring.
Then, what is it about being a parent, about being a high school student, about being a human, that sets the standard for what we are supposed to be? One of my favorite fortune cookies that I still reference I took from a professor in graduate school- "We live in a should-y world", meaning things 'should' look a certain way. Says who? Parents often think Parenting 'should' be done a certain way. Have the students ever experienced anything like this?
Especially when everything should be perfect.
The suggestion given by the book that parents often think they need to live up to perfection struck me in a psychology-related class as paramount for two reasons. First, is that a parent's desire for the notion of perfection sets a high bar for themselves, and for their children, for which the students seemed to relate to strongly. Second, that we as humans often think we need to be a certain way, we need to be different, to belong, to matter, to fit in, to be loved. I asked the students if any of them had to live up to certain perfection-like standards. I was shocked how many stated they felt they needed to get good grades to get along with their parents.
Brene Brown says "those who have a strong sense of belonging have the courage to be imperfect". This is another deviation from the text.
"The courage to be imperfect".
I asked the students again to get into groups and discuss the following questions about the idea of perfection, posed by the text.
I was shocked again. Perfection is an idea they almost all students associated with: Perfect grades; Feeling as though they had to be perfect for their parents; Feeling as though they had to be a certain way to fit in with peers; Feeling as though they didn't fit in because they were not perfect; Feeling hopeless as to that they will never fit in.
So we talked about guilt and shame, the byproducts of not meeting these standards of perfection. I had to remind myself that this is an advanced placement class, but it didn't help counter the barrage of internal messages reported by the students regarding perfection.
And these ideas of guilt and shame were again, reported as common. They were reported as normal.
I asked them if they felt like this (above) if when they don't hit the marks they feel they need to. Many nodded. I again turn into salesman par extraordinaire: abandon perfection (per the text).
The book speaks to abandoning perfect parenting. I took the concept and applied more broadly. What if you were to abandon perfection in your psyche, in all the places in hurts more than it helps? What if you were to abandon perfection with your friends, with your family?
I asked the students if they were familiar with the movie The Lion King (I'm a Disney freak by the way... a super freak, actually). They stated they were familiar with "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King, which means no worries. I asked them to consider a new phrase, similar to that, which they can say to themselves whenever perfection is getting in the way. Wabi Sabi.
Wabi Sabi is a traditional Japanese art form, with a focus and goal of imperfection. Each piece and each example is not only beautiful, but it is completely unique and often handmade. Did the students find beauty in these pieces?
How beautiful would these be if they were 'perfect'?
And a reminder to the class, how hard we often work, and how much we pay to be imperfect already. These jeans probably cost $200!
As parents, as people, as students, when we abandon perfection we can be congruent. We can be who we are. We can loosen the bolts of shame and guilt. And, when we treat ourselves and others with kindness and compassion, they are allowed to be imperfect too. As the book states "good enough is good enough". When we abandon perfection as parents, our children can see that being imperfect is okay. Easier said than done, of course.
The focus of discussion then turned to behaviors. Behaviors, as the book proposes, are messages. One of my colleagues who trained in Circle of Security with me reminded me the other day "There is no manual for parenting (even this book), the child IS the manual"! When I proposed to the students that behaviors are simply messages, they again overall looked a bit confused. This seemed a new concept to them.
What is the message in the behaviors we observe? What is the need being met or not? Once again, the answer if we learn to look for it, is hidden in plain sight.
What is the hidden message here?
Again I turned to logos with hidden meanings in the hopes of hard-wiring the concepts for those that choose to purchase them. Connection with others is always hidden in plain sight. Behaviors are messages, for needs hidden in plain sight. Is this kid just "being fussy"?
Note the golfer. And the swing.
You can actually see Australia in here.
A film reel, and a scary face.
The are all hidden messages.
Where's the connection? Is it available?
Behaviors are just messages. Resonance, and now messages of needs are hidden in plain sight.
To put another way- the behavior is what we see above the water on an iceberg.
Or above the dirt with plants.
What is the message? What is the need? How deep is it?
To complete these concepts, I proposed that emotions can work the same way as the iceberg or the plant. Toddlers, infants, children, they all have big emotions just like adults. They too can be presented in a way that masks what the real message or need is. The Gottman Institute has this graphic available, regarding how anger can be a mask for a variety of emotions.
Angry behaviors may be different emotions underneath. Remember? All Calvin needed was to be smothered with affection.
I asked the students to look at the wheel of emotions, a tool given to me by a mentor. The emotions on the outside of the wheel can correspond to emotions connected to them inwardly- and can present masked versions of deeper emotions. Essentially, the outside emotions are often the part of the iceberg that we see, but they often correspond inwardly to bigger, deeper emotions. Very cool exercise for both the students and I.
I asked the students- think of a time you were annoyed. Were you annoyed because you were really frustrated? Were you frustrated because, actually, deep down you were angry? In emotions, especially big ones, children learn to act as their caregivers do. Regulated and functional. Or not so much so. What was your behavior saying or not saying about what you needed?
Intended Takeaways: Comforting connection is a hardwired need; Abandon perfection (Wabi Sabi); Hidden in plain sight messages from behaviors; Behaviors as emotions
Course Student Feedback:
-[I learned] "these things that happen in a parent-child relationship can actually be controlled or changed"
-[I learned] "I can repair mistakes... that my actions may be reactions based on my sensitivities"
-"Enjoy this opportunity to learn about yourself and the ways you can more positively interact with others"
-"Babies are extremely influenced by everything you do, say, or don't say or do"
-"This class can help you learn why people act the way they do"
-"I understand more about myself and others"
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