A Map For Attachment - The Circle of Security
As the book so perfectly states "Connections with others is the best classroom we could ever have". So class, let's pair up with who is next to you and get connected. I'm sure this feels perfectly comfortable, right?
As the book posits, there is a difference in 'guessing' the message or need in children (or in others in general) and 'seeing it'. Some of the students were sitting next to friends, even best friends. Some were sitting next to other students they didn't know hardly at all. I asked them to spend a moment observing their partner, and if they were willing (and had consent from their partner) to share what they believed their partner's internal world to look like. What was happening to, and inside of, their partner?
We reviewed the mirror neuron system. Empathy. Feeling felt. Experiencing being experienced.
Several of the students shared. Some, especially those sat next to other students they didn't know incredibly well, made statements about their fellow student such as "[my partner] looks like he's having an okay day", "[my partner] looks tired", or [my partner] is uncomfortable being observed". These students were guessing what the internal world of their classmate was.
Other students were sat next to friends, even best friends. They made statements such as "[my partner] looks sad because she is sad... things aren't going so well at home", "[my partner] just broke up with her boyfriend, but as you can see it doesn't bother her", or [my partner] is stressed about taking the test next period". These students weren't guessing. They were already 'seeing' their partner's internal world. No guessing necessary. Their partner's agreed that their observations were accurate.
Mindfulness of these concepts apply in parenting, as children don't know how to express their needs. Often, adults don't either. And we all want to be seen for our needs, and feel seen in who we are.
So, what about those students who had been observed completely inaccurately? Did it feel bad? Did a rupture occur?
Fear not! Repair is always available!
Rupturing, as the book suggests, is necessary. Abandon perfection. Embrace messing up in class, at home, in our relationships, and in parenting (just don't mess up by becoming a parent too early... right class? Great joke here!). Embrace being a fallible humanoid. Count on repair.
Here is the visual I took from Kent, that so perfectly visualizes the beauty and necessity of rupture and repair. It's called kintsukuroi; repair with gold. Pottery, purposely broken (abandoning perfection), repaired with gold, wherein just like Wabi Sabi, every piece is beautiful and unique (not to mention actual monetary value, these broken pieces cost more than regular hand made bowls, I looked online to purchase).
The beauty is in the cracks. The gold is the repair. The cracks where the light gets in.
And just as good enough is good enough, in parenting, and in ourselves, the goal in seeing versus guessing with those we connect with is to attune most of the time, not all.
But what about when we get lost as parents? I joked a lot in class because I am a first-time parent of a very young baby, that I had all the answers, which I'm certain I don't. But what about a roadmap? Humans are fallible, and silly creatures. We need something that draws out A to B (I know I do, as a new parent I'm flying by the seat of my pants every nanosecond.
Humans (and parents) like things mapped out. Parenting feels like this.
We need some guidance... some compass... Enter the Circle of Security.
To try to break this down simply for the class (lots going on here): there is a caregiver (the parent, or other caregiver). From cradle to grave, humans, children, need to explore and be curious from a secure base, and need comforting connection at a safe haven.
Caregiving, starting from a very young age, through offered exploration and comfort. That's it, really, in three parts.
Caregiving. Exploration. Comfort. Caregiving. Exploration. Comfort. And with shifting need states, sometimes needing both simultaneously, so quickly and perpetually it will make your head spin. As quickly and repeatedly with the certainty of the coin toss.
Exploration. Caregiving. Exploration. Caregiving.... eventually in maturing humans this turns to caregiving through supporting- Autonomy. Vulnerability. Autonomy. Vulnerability. The students definitely resonated with autonomy (get me OUT of mom's house!)
Remember safety and security from Maselow's Heirarchy (and the exercise we did on day one)? Safety and security. Ever shifting need states. What is the need, and how is it being met?
The discussion evolved from what our environmental needs are (safety and security, exploration and caregiving, autonomy and vulnerability), to what our emotional needs are. Emotions are unavoidable, and 100% valid.
Okay, but are big emotions welcome? Can they be scary? Overwhelming? We know how to explore because perpetual curiosity is hard-wired into our DNA. But comfort? How do we have access to a place that we can feel big overwhelming emotions? Everyday we walk out into the top half of the Circle, as children, students, adults. How do we find or even comprehend the bottom half of the Circle; the need for comfort in our own (often emotional) experience?
(One of) my favorite cartoons of all time. Another I've stolen from Kent. Big overwhelming emotions are manageable when we have access to a person, or trust, that we are not alone. When we experience big emotions, or are overwhelmed, we (hopefully) can turn to a source we trust to be in the rain with us. I asked the students to consider whether they had such access. Some stated they did not.
We need a source to co-regulate us, from cradle to grave. Remember, big emotions toward the center.
Access is key. Access to some knowledge that we are not alone in our emotional-ness.
I turned again to the idea of 'hidden in plain sight'. Hoping to expand on the theme- big emotions are like the predators we first see in these following pictures (because our mirror neuron system expects fear, or abandonment). You'll most likely see the predators first.
You see the tiger, but do you see the monkeys around as well?
You probably saw the crocodile first... where is the monkey (or other animals?)
Again, the predator is center. But where is the monkey (or the sloth)?
When we have these big overwhelming emotions, children and adults need access and awareness of such that they are not alone. As the book states "it's possible, and necessary, to turn to others when we need it. We need to know we are not alone. We need to know that someone is with us in our emotions, just like we need to know there are more animals (not just predators) in the pictures.
How do we learn to feel safe in exploring and relying on access to comfort? How do we feel secure in our emotional experiences? Enter the Circle of Security. Each step part of the Circle was discussed as an overview during this lecture (it seemed like a lot of moving parts to conceptualize at once, so I promised we would keep referring to these concepts).
The top of the Circle is supporting exploration and innate curiosity: Watch Over Me moments; Delight In Me moments; Enjoy With Me moments; Help Me moments
Special attention was paid to the 'Help Me' element of the top of the Circle; the idea of scaffolding.
Vygotsky's Zone of Proximal Development was referenced briefly, in the sense of the goal of a caretaker (parent, or teacher ahem) to foster courage and autonomy by trying our best to focus on what the child (or student) can do with help. I had hoped to check another box of the administration's course learning outcomes with this, too.
The bottom of the Circle is supporting comforting connection: Protect Me moments; Comfort Me moments; Delight In Me moments; Organize My Feelings moments.
Special attention was paid to Delight In Me moments; the only element found on both the top and bottom of the Circle. Why? We all need to develop an adaptive and sound self-concept simply for who we are, not for any other reason. Does it feel good to be celebrated for who you are? This was a foreign concept to some students. No wonder many feel they need to strive to be perfect, just to be in their parents' good graces.
Special attention was also paid to the Organize My Feelings moments. Big emotions are difficult to understand for a lot of adults, even harder so for children. And, the cure for chaos, when our emotional experiences feel like such, has to be organized and defined (I spoke about bilateral integration here).
But a child isn't going to understand the Wheel of Emotions.
Ha! They'll say "What the @%#& is that?!"
So start small.
Our core, primary emotions. A great tool for parents and children to begin to find awareness of what our emotions are, so we can organize our experience. A GREAT clip of this movie, in case you haven't seen it.
Why would the book suggest this emotional organization is so important? I've heard it suggested that we should talk to our children about their feelings beginning at two months old. It's because of our procedural memory.
Our procedural memory is the composite of all our memories and experiences. We need to have a working pattern of awareness of our emotional experiences, and access to at least one person that can help us when we become overwhelmed.
I visualize procedural memory like this.
I quizzed the class. What are we looking at? Directions how to ride a bike. Once we ride a bike so many times, we begin to do so without conscious awareness. We don't have to think about all the steps, we just pedal and go!
Over time these steps look like this.
Over time the steps are there, but we don't need them.
We won't even likely remember them all if asked. But we ride. Our emotional experiences throughout our development work the same way, good and bad. Whether our developmental emotional experiences are good or bad, we process the world (especially our relationships) by this blur of all of the times we had someone be-with us. Or all the times we didn't.
I finished by asking the students what the book asked the reader; think about the last time you were stressed, where were you on the Circle?
Intended Takeaways: Rupture & Repair introduction; Holding space; Circe of Security Roadmap; Organize my Emotions; Delight in Me
Course Student Feedback:
-"More than anything it just gave me time and a safe place to reflect on my experiences and daily struggles"
-"It's okay to be uncomfortable"
-"Something I don't want to forget is how everyone learns through and grows to be who they are from our experiences"
-"I learned a lot more about myself and how to connect with others"
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