Shark Bones - Exploring Our Core Sensitivities
Out of all the concepts in the book, the Core Sensitivities was the content I found most intimidating to teach. Partly because it offered perhaps the deepest reflective functioning, and I didn't know how deep the students would want to go (or should go, really, in a classroom setting) into their personal psyche's, but also partly because it to me can be the most complicated. To put another way, I wanted the students to have availability of a deep experience, but not too deep, and I also wanted to be able to offer lead a coherent discussion about these sensitivities even though each one can look or manifest in many different ways.
I was as open about my concerns with the students as possible- I asked them to only go as deep as comfortable, some or not at all. I also stated to them that my goal wasn't so they would each know every flavor of each sensitivity... my goal was only so they would know that each sensitivity exists, and hopefully they would grasp only a general concept of each, and decide if they feel they resonate with any of them in themselves or in others.
Once again, we are talking about what the book described as 'unconscious defenses against emotional pain', often experienced beginning in our earliest childhood relationships.
These Core Sensitivities are our Shark Music over time, that develop in to musical themes. Particularly, they arise from ruptures without repair (I returned to the Object Relations Split)-
When we are ruptured, we see the other person (or ourself) as being on the right hand side of the picture. With continued and repeated similar ruptures, these beliefs of one's self or other is 'bad' can manifest as a ongoing theme of our Shark Music.
How do we protect ourselves, in an ongoing way, from our pain? We internalize or externalize it, and in ways that are opposed to the idea that from cradle to grave we need support on both sides of the Circle. We don't know what we don't know, as far as how to deal with pain.
We develop ways to protect ourselves from pain, even though turning from others is in itself painful.
We protect ourselves from the painful aspects of relationships that we don't want to repeat.
Dr. Dan Siegel's statement regarding our mirror neuron system were helpful to review and discuss here- 'We live in the present, with what we know about the past, in anticipation of our future". Said another way, 'Our brains are constantly anticipating the next of now... the immediate next' as to try to make sense of our reality.
Our past experiences simply create a lens through which we view our immediate next, and our future.
So each Core Sensitivity plays as a theme song, when we sense threats (remember that our perceived threats and defenses are 100% valid and justified), threats of abandonment, criticism and rejection, or intrusions in our relationships and/or in ourselves.
If Shark Music is a song, Core Sensitivities are like an album, or a theme.
-Separation Sensitivity is a theme song about abandonment
-Esteem Sensitivity is a theme song about criticism or rejection
-Safety Sensitivity is a theme song about feeling intruded upon, in ourselves or relationships
Once again, I'm a Disney super-nerd, so I relied on gifs and movie clips to illustrate the concepts.
These predispositions of safety, esteem, and separation, may feel negative, but at least they're predictable! As the book says, "at least we know what's coming".
And these theme songs often play loudly.
Remember that our relationships, especially between children and parents, is a two-person dance. We cue and miscue off of one another. Core Sensitivities can play out like this-
So own sensitivity can interact with another person's sensitivity. Like the Zoe video. Relationships take two to tango. The students were intrigued, and outspokenly curious about what their own sensitivities may be. I began by just having them answer questions posited by the book.
-Do you ever feel like the thought of being very close to someone is very comforting in theory, but when your partner presents you with certain needs the closeness feels too demanding in reality?
-Does emotional distance from your partner feel threatening?
-Are you caught up in trying to be perfect rather than being in the relationship?
The answers to these questions do not tell us that we have a Core Sensitivity; the answers can mean a myriad of things. But as an exercise (I stressed this point) If you answered yes to the first question, you may consider opening deeper curiosity into whether safety sensitivity feels congruent within you. If you answered yes to the second question, you may consider the possibility of an esteem sensitivity. If you answered yes to the third question, what is the possibility that any amount of safety sensitivity drives how you act within relationships? If the answer is yes, does it feel like a Shark Music theme song? Does it feel strong? Is anyone willing to share? The students did share.
These sensitivities, these theme songs- they are products of our past and 100% valid, right? Remember that.
What I wanted the students to remember also is that reflective functioning, particularly in sharing their reflections with someone who is Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind, is the path to disarming our fears. My hope is that with any unresolved past, any fears, we can reflect into it and see through them, much like Will Smith does in this scene from Men In Black.
He saw through what other's reacted to as fear. He saw what should be scary, and allowed himself to wait to decide what the real threat was. Reflective functioning offers us the same ability. In the book, reflective functioning is suggested by these steps: stand back; be vulnerable; look for a pattern. In doing so we can see past the 'snarling beast guy' and our scary theme music, and see what it is about ourselves and our lens that is so reactive. We can locate our Shark Music or Core Sensitivity, welcome it, and soothe it.
We broke down the Core Sensitivities further.
-Separation Sensitivity, overall, often looks like: a focus on keeping relationships close; feeling threatened by distance; sacrificing one's own wants, feelings (even foregoing one's individuality) for fear of abandonment.
-Esteem Sensitivity overall, can appear as in: feeling compelled to be distinguished positively; emphasis on one's own accomplishments and perceived perfection; deep down feeling one's flaws aren't acceptable; imperfection somehow equals rejection; one may try to get emotional admiration and acknowledgement while acting as if they don’t have emotional needs; to be vulnerable is to risk being found wanting, and then shamed or humiliated; fear of abandonment (also here, like separation sensitivity), but with more so focus on rejection and imperfection; the goal is to always perform exceedingly well, or to always be above average.
-Safety Sensitivity, from 40,000ft, can look like: the cost of making a close connection with another person is a loss of one's-self (a great paradox!- get too close, and you’ll have to yield to the other person, sacrifice what you really want and who you really are, and ultimately end up being controlled or manipulated, BUT AT THE SAME TIME not yielding or having a sense of self feels alone); feeling stuck in a dilemma between being connected and being ones self; feeling a conscious awareness of how others are intruding on one's sense of self; longing for closeness but often feeling uneasy when in an actual relationship; feeling the need to be and remain self-sufficient; fear of exposing needs to others and getting too close (potential intrusion); keeping others at an arm's distance (close, but not TOO close); constantly scanning for signs of intrusion, dominance, or manipulation in relationships.
"It's a lot, I know", I told them. The students seemed to grasp the basics of each sensitivity, so I played a series of videos to quiz the class on what sensitivity they may be observing. This is Core Sensitivity Jeopardy.
Video #1
Rapunzel's 'Mother Knows Best', huh? By locking Rapunzel in the tall tower, she is doing two things; cutting her off from exploration, and limiting the amount of closeness to her mother at any given time. Does any sensitivity relate to this?
What is Safety Sensitivity (but also perhaps Separation Sensitive) for 1000, Alex? DING DING DING!
Video #2
Nemo's father has experienced great loss. And the fallout, is that he is overly concerned with his comfort level rather than supporting Nemo's need for exploration and autonomy. No wonder Nemo swam out to touch the butt and got scooped up by the diver!
What is Separation Sensitivity for 600, Alex? Correct, and you control the board.
Video #3
Jay sure doesn't do well with owning up to a mistake, and he creates distance from his family (who is essentially chasing after him, by the way) to avoid criticism. They really have to rally together to pull him closer and find resolution.
What is Esteem Sensitivity, Alex? On to Final Core Sensitivity Jeopardy.
Video #4
Wait, did you see that? What happens right after the 30 second mark? I replayed it twice (the rest of the video is fun, but unimportant). Anna wants to be close, but not TOO close...
What is Safety Sensitivity, Alex? You're getting it! Now we're cooking!
We finished this discussion by reviewing about how these sensitivities relate and correspond to the Circle; basically the examples out of the book. Again, these often come from patterns we learned from our caregivers even starting very early on.
-The example of Separation Sensitivity was when a parent takes their hands off the (top half) Circle when child is exploring, so they feel less secure and run back to them, giving the illusion of being secure.
-The example of Esteem Sensitivity were when a parent takes their hands off the (Bottom half) Circle when child is in need of comforting or organizing feelings; as in 'rub some dirt on it, kiddo' or 'make lemonade out of lemons'.
-The example of Safety Sensitivity given was when a parent takes their hands off the Circle when child is in need of closeness; offering closeness, but not too close. I found myself doing this with my daughter, and continue to work on it. When she got upset, I would hold her but facing out, consciously trying to soothe her by giving her the exploration that she loves so much, but upon reflective functioning realizing that I (fort whatever reason) didn't believe I'd be able to comfort her just by holding her in a comforting, connected way. I can say that over time, I sat with this Shark Music and, when it arose, began a pattern in that I just tried to hold her through my fear, which was never very long really, and I started a pattern where she now holds me tight every day, when she wants to.
I offered the class the quizzes out of the book if they wanted to explore more about their own sensitivities, and suggested further journaling about what they find. I encouraged them to share the journals with those that offer them security.
Intended Takeaways: Basic understanding of the Core Sensitivities; Core Sensitivity Jeopardy
Course Student Feedback:
-"I learned that usually when parents are abusive they don't mean to be, and still care about you, they just don't know how to express that"
-"I learned why I act the way I do and why I am so defensive about my feelings and have a 'fear of failure', and how to control my fear"
-"Exploration is important. Coming from a strict household, exploring isn't something I get a lot of but after reading the book with my parents they have taken that into consideration"
-"I learned about my sensitivities and how much stress I'm under (all the time) without realizing it. I learned about how to deal with children (I have younger siblings)"
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