Being the Hands on the Circle
This was (to me) the most powerful lecture. Maybe because this chapter begins to tie together all of the concepts in an applicable way- Behaviors are messages of needs... and Being-With is a universal need, (and a way to care about the needs of others). It allows us to experience others' experiences, and vice versa. It allows us to feel felt, and to feel others.
A few years back I attended a workshop where Dr. Sue Johnson was the keynote speaker (she's the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, just in case you're not familiar). She showed this image and I've never forgotten it. It's a piece of art from the Burning Man festival from years ago.
To me, this shows the human condition as outlined in Raising a Secure Child. I've attended many workshops led by Kent Hoffman (I've essentially followed him like some fans follow The Grateful Dead), but one of my favorite takeaways from his training's is- 'The heart of an orphan will never forget the love it was born to know'. This love we are born to know, if we go looking for it, is everyday, everywhere, across all ages. These infants/toddlers turning towards connection while hidden inside grown figures that turn away, to me perfectly represents this sentiment.
This is my visualization for Being-With, and for 'being the hands on the Circle'. To have your hands on the Circle is to be present being present. It is to acknowledge the love others are born to know, and the love we were born to know (whether we got it, or not). It's to be engaged, consciously, supporting exploration and offering connection. It's what we experience receiving the Still Face in interactions as a child or as an adult. It's to feel the connection of the inner Russian nesting doll in us to another's.
As a parent, here is the beginning of the roadmap to this love. Only three parts.
And my personal reminder (especially as a new father) is simply this below.
Once again, how do you give someone a road map for that image? I asked the students, though the question is ambiguous. Humans (parents, especially) often seem to like lists with bullet points and steps... I believe that's part of why the 17 magic words are so profound and applicable.
Always Be: Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind.
Whenever Possible: Follow My Child's Need.
Whenever Necessary: Take Charge.
Now, there is a tangible, pragmatic, articulate message packaged in kindness and compassion. So how would a parent apply it? What would that look like, and why? I mentioned that fear has a part in it. (we discuss fear later). Always be Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind. We looked at the fulcrum.
Wisdom is found in being bigger and stronger AND Kind. Kind, while being bigger and stronger. The hands on the Circle (being present being present), with this as a compass, help map out the steps needed.
And what of imbalance? The class discussed whether they had had experiences, or were willing to speak of caregivers or parents that were imbalanced on this scale, because imbalance can create some different affects.
Caregivers (or others that we interact with) that err too far on the Bigger/Stronger side can be perceived as Mean. I asked the students about their experiences where they perceived meanness... was it because a caregiver (or any other person they interacted with) was acting too big and too strong? This question is about the perception of the other person, getting us engaged in our mirror neurons. After all, perception is reality.
Likewise, there is another possible imbalance.
Caregivers that err too far on the side of Kind can be perceived as Weak. As the book suggests, children need structure, they need to feel safe and secure, right? It can be hard to feel protected if your caregiver is perceived as Weak. I asked the students again if they had perceived weakness in their caregivers, or in interactions with others. Could it be because the other person or caretaker was too Kind?
There is another form of imbalance still - the caregiver may not be present at all. No hands on the Circle.
Here we can find loneliness, whether we can define it or not. We can go back to feeling out of control.
To illustrate what may cause a caregiver to act imbalanced, one side or the other, I wanted to play the Shark Music video given to me during my Circle of Security training. But I couldn't find the DVD, so I made my own. I played this for the class and asked them to be aware of their experiences to discuss. (I couldn't upload my brilliant homemade video, so this link is comparable... although I'm sure I should win an Emmy)
***The video I made is actually brilliant I think, but I couldn't upload it to Youtube, so this is a placeholder***
What could it be that drives caregivers to extremes? As the book suggests, it's the song that plays in the back of their heads, unknown fear compounded from all of their previous experiences, and their own caregivers. It can come from fear. To me, fear is such an important and often overlooked component in us and in psychology classes.
Here's how fear fits into the picture.
Caregivers (people) that tend to err on the side of Bigger and Stronger are often afraid of being perceived as being Weak. I asked the class to consider if this was a possibility in the people who they thought about that tended to err on this side.
Likewise-
Likewise, caregivers that tend to err on the side of Kind, may be imbalanced due to unknown (or known) fear of being perceived as Mean. Again, the class was asked to discuss whether anyone could speak to whether or not this applied.
And finally-
They we also asked to speak up, if willing, if they had experienced Gone... No hands on the Circle... Especially when they may have felt they needed it. Students spoke up, and listened, and some offered empathy. It to me (and I believe to the students) was a safe environment for this.
13 more magic words.
Always Be: Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind
Never Be: Mean, Weak, or Gone
These are the bullet-pointed, nicely, neatly listed steps, that help us to remember our fears, our predispositions, and the love we are all born to know. This is what how the book leads us like a map as parents, though I also think this can be a great roadmap of interaction with people in general.
I changed topics.
We must be aware of our fears, our emotional selves, and our impulses. We must look inside ourselves, into the textbooks of ourselves in the chapters we often skim over. This introspection and retrospection is what the book calls reflective functioning. It's about being honest with ourselves about our experiences, and how that wiring influences our actions and self concept.
We have to acknowledge our Shark Music. And, we should remember that perfection is an illusion. Abandon perfection as a human and as a parent. We need to model being a (pardon me) f*ck up, but we need to also model the repair that is always available with our loved ones, acquaintances, and within ourselves.
What would that look like, I asked?
What was the word? Water Basil? Kentucky Derby?...
Wabi Sabi! Kintsukoroi! Hoorah! We can just be perfectly who we are! Good enough is good enough. Embrace imperfection. Lets celebrate messing up within ourselves and with others (and as parents). See a rupture? Simply repair.
The book wrote briefly about the "Object Relations Split", that can manifest in our relationships. This image to me represents the importance of rupture and repair through modeling imperfection. Here is the image I used.
Here's good and evil, about as vibrant in black and white as I've seen. When someone ruptures with us, we put them over on the bad side (see the right side, here). They are the bad guy. If they repair with us, VOILA... they are back on the good side (left side). But, if someone ruptures with us, and doesn't repair, where do they go? To us, us who get hurt, they stay on the right side. How can we have comforting connection, or even a functional relationship, with someone that stays over there? No way! It's scary!
Repair, then is vital. It's so nice over there on the left.
I segued to another two images that outline where the focus is suggested to be in parenting (and with interactions with others).
Consider a linear equation where a rupture leads to a repair. A straight line from A to B.
Very often people put their focus here (below), on the behavior. They try to avoid ruptures. They focus on the behavior, not the message. It looks like below.
But if we focus here, we never get to repair! We can simply never get there, or teach repair. We never get to beautiful imperfection! We've blocked the path of forgiveness!
Here's a way to achieve this.
Holding space.
And the reason to create this pattern of rupture, repair, rupture, repair, holding space, being-with, hands on the Circle...
It's the good or bad. We need our caregivers so bad, and so bad on the left side, that when there are ruptures we either blame them or blame ourselves.
...that gets hard-wired into our implicit relational knowing (procedural memory)
And the fact that the psyche doesn't have a digestive tract. What you experience, and internalize, you don't get to poop it out.
I finished by asking them about the concept of internalized emotions, or even pain. We talked about what it feels like, where it can manifests in the body. Students shared stories about internalization, or not.
Intended Takeaways: The heart of an orphan will never forget the love it was born to know; 17 magic words; 13 magic words; rupture and repair; holding space; you can't poo out pain.
Course Student Feedback:
-"I learned more about my connection with my family and that I should try to connect with them more and they should do the same with me"
-"Rupture and repair is actually better than striving for perfection. With rupture and repair we can learn from our mistakes and build a stronger connection with one another"
-"Something that surprised me is that infants can respond to their parents even when they are young"
-"[This course] can help you especially when you know someone else is going through the same thing"
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